Peter Shr - Week 16 - Avoiding Scars
The memories that remain today are equivalent to a person’s conception of their life. Although much of it is lost, biased, and even fabricated, we are tethered to these little snapshots of life. The happiest memories serve as motivation and a source of optimism, but it is often the memories of pain that we dwell on. It can be mundane, like embarrassment from misspelling an easy word at an elementary school spelling bee, or serious, such as grief following the passing of a loved one. People can easily be completely engrossed in these moments, searching for some sort of justification or preventive action. The pain can either heal or scar, and I seek to discuss how people deal with negative memories.
First, we need to understand why these moments hold so much attention. Despite their primary purpose, memories are not accurate. The emotions of those times are ingrained in us, and by dwelling on them, we replay and allow them to grow. In retrospect, people will target specific details and filter out the rest of the world. Moreover, people tend to fabricate further details when recalling the memories intertwined with strong emotions, as it subconsciously introduces a false sense of security. A cycle of furthering conviction and recollection can ensue, and the associated pain forces people at their lowest to manage themselves in a variety of ways.
https://www.ibelieve.com/health-beauty/a-prayer-for-your-most-painful-memories.html
The suppression of memories is a primal, defensive mechanism that activates when people are pushed to their limits. Although this promises self-protection, it is not a healthy long-term practice. By bottling up, people can build anxiety over time, uncontrollably lash out, or even end up like Paul D, whom author Toni Morrison explores in detail in Beloved. He represents an extreme case, in which his access to his emotions and memories of the past are locked away in his imaginary tobacco tin can. Although the days at Sweet Home and Alfred, Georgia are momentarily inaccessible, Paul D still subconsciously suffers from anxiety and hallucinations and consciously avoids settling. By forcing Paul D to address his past as the novel progresses, Morrison conveys that this practice is dangerous.
Researchers from the Beckman Institute indicate a safer way to manage painful memories. Rather than dwelling on the sense of injustice or grief, one can forcibly recall the details of such events that are not intertwined with negative emotions. As our brains tend to explore, we can then delve into other aspects of those events, soothing the pain. This differs from completely suppressing memories, as one is still recalling the past. However, the best solution remains opening up. As social beings, we find healing by directly addressing memories head-on. It requires vulnerability and trust to do so in the presence of others but constructs a shared, cathartic experience that can provide a lasting impact on both the speaker and recipient. Furthermore, the listener, who usually is a therapist, can keep them accountable in their healing process, so that such scars may no longer define us.
More on managing memories: https://beckman.illinois.edu/about/news/article/2014/04/18/761c6b08-90e1-4b31-b57e-bdb0ff868aba
Hello Peter! I enjoyed reading this blog post because the topic it covered, coping with painful memories, is something that can be applied in my own life. Although I have not experienced anything terrible, I still have some unpleasant memories that bother me, causing emotions like regret or embarrassment over my past decisions. I agree with the blog’s point that suppressing memories “promises self-protection” since it explains why so many people, including myself, often resort to this strategy; part of the reason why repression seems so natural is likely that forgetting something is easier than working through the disorganized feelings that come with most memories. However, the same nuanced nature of human emotion that makes memory disorganized should also provide the opportunity to partake in a healthier coping mechanism—there is almost always some small positive detail to focus on in a memory so that the negative aspects do not become defining features of the past. As you said, this redefinition of how a person approaches their memories can soothe the pain they associate with remembering, but the greatest strategy to alleviate negative memories remains storytelling. The process of sharing remains one of the best ways to work through complex situations, even when the audience is not physically present; for example, in my previous blog post, I wrote about some memories of my family’s old car, and that process helped me reflect on those memories, even though I only shared those memories on an online platform.
ReplyDeleteHi Peter,
ReplyDeleteI found it really unique how you stated that “pain can either heal or scar.” I would have never thought that pain could ever heal anything because of the amount of negative connotation associated with the word pain. I also really liked how you talked about the different ways we manage ourselves after experiencing painful memories or events. As I read your blog, I was able to reflect on the ways I manage pain, and actually realized that I often suppress memories that I don’t want to talk about or caused pain to me before. Connecting this back to Beloved was also effective since it’s a book we’re all familiar with as APENG students and can relate to. When you stated that we should dwell on the sense “of injustice or grief,” it reminded me of a documentary I watched in freshman year for my research project in English 9 Honors. It was entitled the Wisdom of Trauma, and highlighted that trauma has wisdom and it affects our mentality and health not because of what happened to us, but what happened inside of us as a result of what happened to us. The documentary states that what happens to us and inside us is a disconnection from ourselves, because it’s too painful to be ourselves. This results in us shutting off our gut feelings, and missing all the red flags, which is not healthy for our mental or physical health. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your insightful blog and am encouraged to start facing my painful memories head on with the help of someone else so that I can remain connected to myself.
Hey Peter! Your blog on painful memories and the significance of them made me think back on a quote I saw when I was scrolling through TikTok: “Has it ever struck you that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by so quick you hardly catch it going?” I don’t know the original author, but I’m assuming that it came from a book. Like you said, I also feel like it’s so true how our memories, both good and bad, shape who we are. Even though a lot of our memories get distorted over time, they still stick with us. The happy ones lift us up, but it’s the painful ones that seem to cling to us the most. Additionally, I found your point about suppressing memories to be really important. As humans, it’s just our natural reaction to push away bad memories. However, in the long run, it’s not healthy. When we bottle things up, it can lead to anxiety, anger, or worse—as seen in Paul D. I feel like we need to not only remember the memory for its good parts but also the bad parts. If we sugarcoat things, our brains will gaslight ourselves into forgetting the pain we felt in the moment, and that will likely lead to repeating the same mistake. Therefore, while a degree of reminiscing on the past can be healthy, it is better to move forward rather than get stuck on these moments, try to make sense of them, or figure out what we could’ve done differently. I’m not sure if you know this, but on TikTok there’s this thing called “Hope Core,” where people share deep quotes about life—which is where I saw the first one. This is another quote that really stuck with me: “Forgive yourself. Whether you fail a test, eat too many cookies, or fail a class…the next day will be better. The next day will be a day closer to your next success.” As teenagers, I think that it is so important for us to learn how to cope with the bad and look forward to the good, because only then will we be able to accept the failures and prepare ourselves for the opportunities.
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